Tips for Dressing for Summer Weather

Here are a few tips for dressing this summer. They're not fashionable, but rather for the sake of your modesty and my not having to gag when I see you.

Shorts -

• should not be too short - meaning - I don't want to see your underwear ladies, the bottoms of your underwear. I also don't want to see the tops of your thongs.
• are like pants, only shorter - meaning, they should be worn around the hips or waist so guys, I don't want to see your underwear either.
• If you're going to be brave and wear white shorts - you must wear white or nude underwear. This also goes for light colored shorts.

Tops -

• a bikini top is not a bra, even if Cosmo says so.
• guys, if you plan on going into any public establishment, you need to wear a shirt. A wife-beater with the neck pulled down to your navel does not count.
• ladies, you need to wear a bra under white tee-shirts. That is your only option. You cannot not wear one, PLEASE. And remember, a bikini top is not a bra.
• if the strapless tank top doesn't stay up on its own - don't wear it. Remember what the lady who sold you your prom/wedding/formal dress told you - if you can't stay in it while you dance, you shouldn't buy it.
• guys - a vest is not a shirt, no matter how ripped you are or how many tatts you have.
• a bikini top is not a bra.

Other -

• Axe/perfume/cologne is no substitute for deodorant and a shower.
• orange is a great color - for the fruit. If you're going to pay that much to look that orange, you might have better luck going to Lowe's and using the color match paint center to find your perfect hue and buying a can of Dutch Boy. And if you're orange - don't use your winter cover-up.
• water bottles are the perfect accessory for walking around the park - not beer bottles.

And finally, I know it's warm outside and we all like to drive with our windows down. Having said that, you can smile and wink at me all you like while we're stopped at a light, but I don't thinkg it's necessary to gun your engine until all the black smoke comes out and then cut in front of me with your metal balls dangling in the wind from your tailgate. It just proves to me that whatever reason your last girlfriend had for dumping you was justified. Nine fold.

Stay classy.

And really, a bikini top? C'mon. Target has nice bras for sale as low as $7.99. You can get five for the price of one at Victoria's Secret or for the price of two at Boscov's.